sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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