Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
