either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
