we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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