Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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