I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
