i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
