so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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