I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
