Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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