two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
