hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
