I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
This is the high leading the old right now
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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