You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
