dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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