I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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