I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
