So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
