Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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