I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
