when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
