Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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