to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
