break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
