I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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