I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
