I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
