My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
