thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
