dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
