Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
