I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
