How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we made out on top of his cat.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
