I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
