hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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