would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Pants are for mortals
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
