I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
