It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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