jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
