I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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