I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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