why didn't you poke me back
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
