There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.