Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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