I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
