i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
