***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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