he thought i was a dude.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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