Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
