Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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