I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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