he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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