You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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