She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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