I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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