I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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