What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
