Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
