mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
